September 2020
I have a constant battle in my mind everyday:
Do i want to talk about this? Do i wanna post this for others to see? Dealing with depression i probably come off mean and negative sometimes. I’m not a people person. I like to help if i can but normally won’t go out of my way. I’ve been staying off social media a lot and rather distant for months. I just cannot handle how the world is. On the outside my life looks easy , stressfree and for the most part there’s no argument from me. And anything stressing me Is probably a walk-in the park to most. Especially what’s been happening in the world. I do have it mostly easy. I recognize my privilege. I had a wonderful childhood growing up. Parents took great care of me and now my hubby takes care me a lot. I can take care of myself for the most part but what you don’t see is my Depression & Anxiety & PCOS issues everyday.
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I’ve become really dependent on my husband and he’s pretty much my caretaker. I’m not necessarily ashamed it’s more embarrassment. A 38 year old who can barely hold conversations , drive , and do basic grocery shopping. All this is Social Anxiety along with Depression. It’s gotten a better in the past because i pushed passed my comfort zone. I wanted better things for my life and go after my dreams. It was amazing for awhile. Meeting new people to network with online, finding people who share the same passions , starting and running a few different social media pages / groups. Even recording myself on voice memos / videos which makes me 99% uncomfortable haha. All this though exhausted me. I never had so much energy , ideas focus drive in my life...then it came crashing down because my true self is extremely quiet & private. Meanwhile i was diagnosed with PCOS , ovarian cysts and had two surgeries. The second one i actually lost one ovary. For the most part i was okay (physically) , still working on dreams albeit slower. But after that second one in May 2018, i shut down completely. Of course there’s happy moments in between but you’re not yourself. I’ve been trying to pick myself up since and it’s been so hard. I do. You gotta look for the good in each day and smile laugh, be grateful for the small things, do something.
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I promised myself i wouldn’t let it get as bad as 2014 when i went into psychiatric care in a couple hospitals. I promised myself i wouldn’t take anything for granted anymore , live in the moment everyday , and live everyday like it’s your last. And i was doing that a lot. But it gets exhausting just living your life with depression & anxieties. It takes a toll on your mind & body for battling this for almost half your life. 18 years. And a lot is Invisible which makes it a lot harder. Oh you have a Mental Illness ? Oh just change your mindset and think positive then. Oh okay yes that’s true but seriously if it was that easy there wouldn’t be millions of people battling Mental Illness then. Oh you have Depression? You have such a great life and people have it worse. Umm. You can be grateful and struggle too. Oh and my favorite: it’s all in your head. Well no shit that’s the actual problem here. But you don’t just flip a switch like that. Doesn’t work like that. However , the longer you deal with it the better at acting you get , well until it completely drains you like it has lately. I’m still fighting but I’m not myself. I’ve lost a lot of my memory / sense of self / cognitive functioning. I know my name where i live i know my family my husband my cats some doctors some of my medical history but details are very hard unfortunately. I have my pictures/ videos / notes but that’s another issue. I have so many that it’s exhausting to keep backing up. So i try not to take too much. Having to write so many things down is exhausting. Preparing for appointments is exhausting. Preparing for a 2-5 minute phone call to make an appointment is exhausting. Especially new doctors / specialists. This may all seem like complaining but to someone with Social Anxiety & depression alone it takes a lot out of you.
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Before the pandemic and all that’s happened since then, i wanted to take a long break from social media. Things have changed I’m not as passionate as i was and just don’t feel the same way about sharing a lot of things. I still like to share some mental & chronic health stuff and my singing / favorite music. I have been working on a couple things behind the scenes but It’s definitely nice to not run to post something. Your life doesn’t need to be online all the time. If you’re anything like me it drains you quick. So don’t give in to the pressure. It’s important to speak up on things and be educated but dont let this crazy world force you to do things. It’s YOUR life for a reason.
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It’s not easy for me to speak up. I’ve had practice , sure . I’ve been an advocate for Mental & Chronic Illnesses , Suicide Awareness , Body Image & Positivity, Bullying & Cyberbullying, PCOS Awareness , Female Body Hair , Childless / Childfree life etc. but only when I’m comfortable, ready, and prepared to share. I have a lot of privilege but communication, arguing , handling stressful situations aren’t my strong suit. Especially in person i freeze up🥶
My depression is confusing.
I’m extremely emotional and empathetic. I was made to try to understand all sides of a situation. Exhausting though lol. You care what people think because you don’t want anyone to think differently about you. Also exhausting you cannot please everyone. This is why i need my space. Especially if my depression is bad but it doesn’t have to be. I’m pretty much okay but struggling with years of depression , brain fog, memory loss, and feeling very apathetic towards life.
You see the confusion? Yep. I’m very empathetic but also apathetic. Fun times.
Since i don’t like to be social much i get depressed because i feel i have to be more outgoing & outspoken. I barely talk to anyone but my husband. I stay home 99% of the time even without a pandemic. I also don’t like phone calls or video chats. Major anxiety. So i fall deeper into depression because I’m not like others. I don’t like staying connected. I feel like I’m done making friends. Friends have said goodbye to me , I’ve done the same without explaination. This is depression. But also it’s growing to. And a lot of times you just grow apart and that’s okay. People may be taking this time to reconnect with old friends or relatives. But that’s the last thing i want to do. Especially when you’re not mentally okay. I’ve been comfortable with this life as much as i can. I don’t need new people to tell me how to handle My Life. Don’t get me wrong I’m open minded I’ll listen to different perspectives but I’m not going to do something because you gave me advice. I might but this has been my struggle for so long that i know my limits. I’ll try to keep pushing past my comfort zone but its not easy when i don’t want to put myself out there too much to begin with.
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There’s a lot going on. It may feel like the world is ending. People with anxiety and depression , we feel this on a regular basis. We don’t need something huge like this pandemic to happen to feel severe symptoms. We are exhausted. I see you. I hear you. I follow so many in the mental & chronic health communities. Here’s a hug to anyone suffering. Hope your days shine a little brighter.
• So why am i sharing this much now ? Because this is MY story. My words. My truth. To help others honestly. And it’s a big release for me. It’s okay to not be okay. I actually haven’t really been okay in a long time. Im here surviving and encouraging you to keep moving at your pace day by day step by step.
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These are tough times for everyone because we all have different plates. We all have different levels of pain. We are just trying to get through the days.
• I will say though : i feel for the black community. I feel for law enforcement and their families, i feel for anyone who has / had COVID/ sick in general. I feel if you lost anybody. I feel for people who have lost their jobs or businesses. I feel for people dealing with the fires or floods or anything else like that. This is all too much for the world.
“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human” - Brene Brown
xx
Love to all
Jackie💜
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